RHONDDA B asked:
for the past 7 years i have been finding texts from other women on my husbands phone at 6 monthly intervals. He has messed with my mind again and again to a point that I am now so low and insecure that yesterday I began a course of prozac. I can just about function for my kids and have lost all my sparkle. I compulsively eat and wake up at 3.00am every day feeling suicidal. I have never been unfaithful and supported my husbands ever long career whilst falling prey to mine to look after him and the kids. I wouldnt suggest he has had an affair but its hutys to see him being so nice and gentlemanly to these other women when he sees me as a fat, boring housewife and can only spare me the time of day sometimes. I have just organised and paid for a day trip to Dublin in June to spend some time together and to my horror, his reponse was ‘I have to finish this project first’ Are there any other guys out there that would welcome a wife like this or am I being unfair.
just to add……I feel ashamed of myself for constantly checking his phone as I have never ever been like this before but he says I wont find anything on there…..no I say because I think he deletes it!! I am becoming paranoid
thank you all guysxx and girls! Just to add, no he doesnt reassure me. He blames the women and dsnt know why they text/email him … get that!! We have been to relate and he lied through his back teeth. I got so angry we ended the session. I just want to smack his smarmey face in sometimes but all he says is ‘if that will make you better do it’ blase bastard
some of the texts were rude but no suggestive and some of them were like ‘oh your such a sweetie’
just for you jimrich! I am a very intelligent woman h had bags of self confidence/self esteem and as for the communication skills, I am a trained **** counsellor but gave it up when my depression started.
I need to clear something up here. Firstly he is not the sole bread inner. I have my own mney and money is not an issue here. The kids are 13 and 11 and are my kids biologically. We decided not to have anymore as he loves my kids as his. Lastly we have tried the relate thingy and he says if I want to start a new life somewhere else on my own then its my choice – he never sows any remorse for anything hes done.
for the past 7 years i have been finding texts from other women on my husbands phone at 6 monthly intervals. He has messed with my mind again and again to a point that I am now so low and insecure that yesterday I began a course of prozac. I can just about function for my kids and have lost all my sparkle. I compulsively eat and wake up at 3.00am every day feeling suicidal. I have never been unfaithful and supported my husbands ever long career whilst falling prey to mine to look after him and the kids. I wouldnt suggest he has had an affair but its hutys to see him being so nice and gentlemanly to these other women when he sees me as a fat, boring housewife and can only spare me the time of day sometimes. I have just organised and paid for a day trip to Dublin in June to spend some time together and to my horror, his reponse was ‘I have to finish this project first’ Are there any other guys out there that would welcome a wife like this or am I being unfair.
just to add……I feel ashamed of myself for constantly checking his phone as I have never ever been like this before but he says I wont find anything on there…..no I say because I think he deletes it!! I am becoming paranoid
thank you all guysxx and girls! Just to add, no he doesnt reassure me. He blames the women and dsnt know why they text/email him … get that!! We have been to relate and he lied through his back teeth. I got so angry we ended the session. I just want to smack his smarmey face in sometimes but all he says is ‘if that will make you better do it’ blase bastard
some of the texts were rude but no suggestive and some of them were like ‘oh your such a sweetie’
just for you jimrich! I am a very intelligent woman h had bags of self confidence/self esteem and as for the communication skills, I am a trained **** counsellor but gave it up when my depression started.
I need to clear something up here. Firstly he is not the sole bread inner. I have my own mney and money is not an issue here. The kids are 13 and 11 and are my kids biologically. We decided not to have anymore as he loves my kids as his. Lastly we have tried the relate thingy and he says if I want to start a new life somewhere else on my own then its my choice – he never sows any remorse for anything hes done.
February 23rd, 2010 at 9:49 am
If you are really this un happy you have a few options;
Family Mediation. You could get a mediator to help you express your feelings.
Talk to him. You need to get it out of your system.
Leave.
You have to really think about this. If you are so unhappy… maybe you need to consider this?
Do what is best for you. That is my advice. Of course, keep your kids in mind when you decide.
February 25th, 2010 at 3:11 am
Sweetie take that money for the trip and file for divorce..he sounds like a complete A HOLE! can’t you see what he is doing to you?? Here you are for 7 years finding messages from women, on Prozac, feeling suicidal and YET you wanna know if others deal with this..well Hun I was married to a JERK like that and guess what I filed for divorce..I WAS SO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There is a man for you but not this jerk!! He is so selfish!
February 26th, 2010 at 4:29 am
You are in a bind. Sometimes after having children you can feel run down and lack that spunk and spark. You should book yourself a weekend away and leave him with the children. When you are away and he has to do everything, then he will see how difficult you have it and maybe he will have a change of heart.
You will come back looking fresh and he will be worn out from looking after the children.
He will appreciate you more, and be ready to go on the trip with you, because he will see that you do need time away from reality.
February 27th, 2010 at 2:25 am
You shouldn’t have to look at his phone, if you do not trust him why do you stay?. You have 2 choices you either put up shut up or you get the courage to tell him to leave. Has he actually told you he thinks your fat or are you imagining he thinks that way?. Get your own life back on track with small steps by either joining an evening class/ weight loss club or get a haircut as you have to love yourself because if you dont nobody else will, take control of your life and you will eventually have the confidence to move forward without the resentment you feel at the moment.
Good luck.
March 1st, 2010 at 4:06 am
he is doing nothing to reassure u here, it might well be innocent but it looks like he is enjoying watching u suffer. Paranoia does come with depression so while you are depressed u may be more suspicious but give the tablets time to work and then u will have the strength to work out whether u are going to be happier in this marraige or on your own
March 1st, 2010 at 9:41 pm
he sounds like a bum.
do the right thing and dump him
March 4th, 2010 at 8:30 am
Your big mistake was taking a DRUG over a man.
I highly recommend that you pick yoursself up, wip off the dust, stop the prozac and get ready to go on your trip alone.
Pack your bags and have a wonderful time….forget about everything else in your life.
March 4th, 2010 at 12:49 pm
re: Are there any other guys out there that would welcome a wife like this or am I being unfair.
…You would have to learn some good relationship skills and have a lot better self esteem for me.
March 6th, 2010 at 7:50 pm
You have not disclosed what the nature of these texts were. Are they of a sexual nature or are these text of a business nature? In either case, this is something you should have confronted your husband about when you found out. If you suspect something’s going on, you need to gather all the solid evidence you can get your hands on, like the monthly phone statement for instance. Then you can lay it on the line and decide what you’re going to do from there.
You need to stop taking this out on yourself. By you being this destructive, don’t you think you are also hurting your kids in the process?
March 10th, 2010 at 12:19 am
sounds like you need to love yourself if your hubby sees you don’t love yourself how can you expect him to love you also go fix yourself up and make YOU feel good do it for yourself not him find your confidence trust me once you do he will see you in a different light.stop checking his phone too your wasting your time and making yourself crazy even if he is doing something wrong you cant stop him just prepare yourself for the situation and keep a clear head like i said before its about loving yourself if you do all you can and he is still not happy or wants to cheat then you did all you can do. but never stop loving you and don’t blaim yourself
March 11th, 2010 at 6:48 am
Keep in mind that when people get married, and have been married a while that day-to-day life can certainly make people take things (and people) for granted.
I know it hurts. I strongly suggest you get to a place with him where there is no distractions (no tv, radio, other people, kids, etc). A long country drive (just you and him) might be a good suggestion for this. Tease him a little. Lighten up for the evening. Try to laugh. Make him smile and laugh. Have fun. Pretend it’s the very first date for you two all over again.
Then GENTLY tell him your concerns, your fears, your thoughts. Tell him also how much he means to you, how much you care about and love him and all that mushy stuff in a way that you know will make him light up inside. Chance are that there are issues and concerns in his mind and heart too. Try to talk and keep it from becoming any kind of argument. Learn to keep your defenses down and really listen. Chances are if you do this, he will too.
You two need to find that initial spark that pulled you two together in the beginning. Remember that it’s about the simple things in life that are important when the stresses of marriage come into play. The simple things are what count the most.
Your children matter. You ability to smile everyday matters. Make sure that you try to see the good in every day, in your kids, and in your husband. The glass is half full instead of half empty. ..You know the spill.
Think about being in his shoes as well. if you are as depressed as you sound, and refuse to even TRY smiling and concentrating on all the great little things that you should be grateful for… then imagine that. Imagine being in his shoes and walking in the door and seeing that depressed, pouting/frowning face every single day.
It’s 50/50. If you aren’t happy at home, and aren’t even trying anymore, then how can you expect that from him?
Communication is the key. And at least TRY and make life fun and TRY and smile.
Love is worth it. ..I promise.
Best to you…. Take care!!
March 14th, 2010 at 12:25 pm
You don’t get anywhere in this world without being self confident. Stop the Prozac, stop the compulsive eating, look for the good in everything, not the bad, start exercising – even if to start with, it’s just walking around the house several times a day (and keep increasing the number of times till you feel ok to start walking in the street – I only suggest this because I don’t know how big you are). The name of the game is to build up your self esteem – become a hot confident **** so YOU feel good, and you know you can do anything.
You CAN do it, you just have to want to. Yes, easier said than done, but you CAN do it if you want to. Get back at him if you want to, but do it to YOUR advantage by improving YOURSELF. Then, the choice is yours if you stay or find someone who appreciates you. Good luck.
March 14th, 2010 at 4:39 pm
Your choices are probably limited in this situation.
Basically between taking action or avoiding it.
It is obvious that you have let him destroy your life. You don’t even have a life. He has consumed himself in his work which gives him something to live for, and you on the other hand have nothing.
So I say have something to live for. Either leave him and begin a life for yourself, or stay with him, show him that you need to do more with your life then be a helpless housewife and do something that you deem meanful. Make it your life work instead of him.
Maybe if you show him that there is more to life then living it FOR him then maybe he’ll feel like he has to do MORE for you.
Oh by the way, about the trip. Give him one warning, tell him that you are going to do it with him as a couple or without him for yourself. And stick to it. If it’s bought and paid for enjoy it one way or another. He’ll feel like an *** when he’s at home with the kids playing your role and his own while you’re out having fun.
Good luck honey and keep your head up!
March 16th, 2010 at 11:43 am
Hi, i’m on anti-depression tablets at the moment. go back to your docs as i have been on prozac and they made me feel worse. i went from nearly 15stone by over eating and feeling really low in my ex relationship. I was in the relationship because it was my kids Dad not that i loved him. 16 months on i have finished with my ex boyfriend and he moved out. he is a really bad dad and doesnt see hes kids but they no longer care, i have a new partner and are trying for a baby, i’m still on anti-depression tablets, i dont over eat and have lost over 3 stone. Try and talk to C/A/B about advice on break ups and kids, I know 100% if you get rid of you husband you feel better in time, I’m 32 and my boyfriend is 25. you should be happy.
be strong for your kids as your kids will keep you strong, when your feeling low, go and give your kids and hug.
Take Care
March 18th, 2010 at 8:46 am
You need hard evidence to satisfy your curiosity.
Tell him you are taking the trip with the kids regardless.
Instead of going to Dublin, take the kids to a relatives house while you get your camera ready for some real life action.
Yes, you have the perfect opportunity to spy on him.
Either have him followed or watch the house. Surly he will take advantage of this time without you to entertain his affairs.
Hopefully, you find he is innocent therefore you can claim your sanity back. If not, he will have some explaining to do.
Good luck.
March 20th, 2010 at 9:41 pm
you do have some issues on your hands. I think that his game playin has went on for so long he is comfortable in the thought of having his cake and eating it too. Just like a kid, they will test you to see what they can get away with, and if they can then why stop if nothin is gonna happen. I think you being a stay at home mom, you have too much time on your hands to pay attention to his games and what he is doing and looking through his phone. Ever heard the song You just do you, Im a do me. Tha’s what I would do. Sometimes you have to do a little reverse psychology. I think he is enjoying you trippin off of him. If you find more things to do and focus on yourself and make your day busy so you ain’t trippin off him. Go exercise during the day, go visit family more or fiends and just have a life of your own. If you start acting like the things aren’t bothering you then he will pay more attention. This is what I would do if I wasn’t considering leaving him, I know you guys have kids together. But if it was me, I would have left him years ago. But seriously if communication doesn’t work, you can let your mental health and physical health run down. You have to pick yourself up, do you, and be a strong woman and sorround yourself with things in your life wher you don’t have to sit up and sob over him.
March 22nd, 2010 at 9:55 am
I think that you cannot blame the sea for sinking a boat. The sailor just wasn’t good enough to handle it.
Find yourself a nice calm pond.
March 22nd, 2010 at 10:01 am
I think that his behaviour is controlling and I think he knows that you’re a mug as you stay around when he treats you like this, and therefore continues as knows he can get away with it. The sad thing is though, he’s managed to **** out all of the self esteem you used to have from you and now you’re left with nothing but unhappiness, and not enough strength to leave.
I know you keep going for the kids, but this situation isn’t nice for them and I feel it may be time that you and the kids moved on from this man and let him do the chasing for a change. The Dublin trip would have been the decider for me, to be honest. Says it all.
Best of luck, and please find someone locally (woman’s aid?) to speak to and don’t do anything to yourself (suicide etc). You’re worth a lot more than the life that you’re in, so try to find the strength to leave….or better still get him to leave.
March 22nd, 2010 at 11:33 pm
My 2nd husband was receiving dirty texts and phone calls from a woman who claimed to be both our friends I didnt know about the phone calls or texts until 1 night which I think she did on purpose , she slipped and mentioned a call to him the Monday before , then I was made to look the fool because she said right in front of him I told you I called him and texted him.
After that I checked his phone regularly , I’d never been one to not trust him or get insecure or even spy on him but I needed to know what these text messages were for a while she didnt text him and as far as I knew she didnt ring him , but then 1 day after a cpl of weeks a text appeared , he’d gone fishing and accidently left his phone at home it read Hi **** have you left yet? I’ll ring you tomorrow I am busy right now I wish I could ring you I have such dirty thoughts running through my mind.
I was shocked and when I confronted him he claimed he had no idea she knew he was going fishing or why she would be saying such things.That was the end of the game with her and I became a nervous wreck scaring friends off with my frantic rage attacks , he behaved up until 11 months later and then a new woman appeared and the same thing all over again , as I had done with the friend I confronted the woman he worked with and was told We’re just friends , he took both of these women’s side over mine screaming yelling at me and he was ready to end our marriage to save his friendship with this woman.
You may not want to believe he’s cheating but he wouldnt be putting you 2nd to others if he wasnt I am sorry hunny but you need to ditch him and get your % of the divorce good luck.
March 23rd, 2010 at 2:11 am
Reading between the lines it sounds very much as though the main concern is low self esteem. I do not know if your husband is the major reason for this, it may be that he is but its a difficult one. You mention eating for comfort and you refer to yourself as a fat boring housewife. You also mention feeling suicidal! that is worrying. You do not make much of loving him. It may be that your parranoia about his text messages is just a symptom of your low self esteem. What I am saying to you is that he may be a little alienated by your behavior if you are feeling low and giving off bad vibes. I can suggest a possible remedy for your problem. Try to put your husband on the back burner for a while and concentrate on yourself. There is nothing wrong with pampering yourself a little. Try to find the strong confident woman that is inside you. Firstly I would try to hold off on the Prozac. Every up has a down hot on its heels so the last thing you want is a crash. Go for a walk and make it a fitness walk. Put trainers on and look purposeful. Aerobic excercise will give you a natural high with no crash and I can promise you that it will make you feel alive. If you can pick up on the fitness it will soon start to show on you. Have your hair done and buy yourself some clothes that make you feel good. If you can put a few things together such as healthy eating, a fitness program and a busy little agenda it may turn out that he takes more notice of you. If he is still a problem by the time you have made yourself into the woman you deserve to be then you can take a look at fixing him. anyhow good luck.
March 23rd, 2010 at 12:01 pm
i would leave him and start a new new life with your kids because it will rub off on them if you stay in an unhappy marrige and devote yourself to your kids and get all your cofidence back ans your career. i know it is hard to take the first step but once you have done it you will feel better. and if you do decide to leave dont take him back because he will think he has won. if you leave him amke yourself look that you are better without him and you dont need him it will take time for you to feel better but it will be worth it in they end.
let me know what you decide. i was in a relatonship like that but had no kids and found somone else and now are getting married. and now he hates the fact that i have bettered my self and are better wthout him.
March 25th, 2010 at 7:36 pm
Its never easy answering questions like yours because of the complications that could affect your life if you act on something that’s has been said in here with good intentions.
Perhaps the first thing you ought to do is ask if your hubby will sit and talk the whole thing over with you, then find out whether he is willing to go to relate, or some other counselling organisation. after this perhaps a chat to your doc about the need for Prozac, and whether he can prescribe something else .
The trip to Dublin sounds nice, but assuming that your hubby is the soul bread winner i think its unfair of you to chastise him when after all its his efforts that are providing the money your family needs. Some women would love good bread winners, lots have dead beat partners who abuse them in many ways.
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.